Date: Friday, October 05, 2007
@5:39 PM.
Title: Yes , my fault . (
+)
Yes , things are gonna get real emo here .
I seriously wouldnt have bothered myself over the marks if I was slacking all the way throughout the whole pre-exam period . Its not like I practically studied everything there is also luh , its just that I already tried . But so what , it doesn't seem to help at all anw . All those late nights and hours of mugging for nothing . Yes , Im being real dumb posting abt this now , & yes , I know the process matters more and blah . I wanna believe in that too . Yea rite , I just can't luh . I know I know , the process is all that matters , and it matters more thn some dumb bunch of marks , bt if you turn it arnd and look at it the other way ; which will people look at , your marks or your process ? Aiyah , if you're thinking that the process matters more and stuff thn dont bother continuing reading cause obviously you dont get me . Whatever .With hard work comes high expectations alrightes . Yes , 38/50 for science is an improvement , bt so what ? I didnt even studied as hard as I did for this paper , and improving is a definate must . Aiyah , I also dunno how to say luh . I needed something more than that alrightes ):
I dont knw . Im like feeling worse thn I did before the EOYs even started . Yes , I have a serious problem with me , and I knw I wont be any better off if I cant even help myself , bt all this takes time alrightes . I need that self esteem which has already left me .
Haix . Yea , be contended with what you have . I know that already , but they didnt even study half as much , and they got twice as much . Not literally , but point is ; I knw I have no one bt myself to blame for being slow le luh . Its just that who wouldnt feel that way when you knw you've studied twice as much but didnt do better thn someone whos been slacking all the way through ? GAHHH ):
I obviously didnt meet anybody's expectations , not even myself .Perhaps , I really shouldnt have acted that way . It wasnt really myself , and now it became part of me . Im just being the person I never thought I was .Till today .
Im sorry alrightes . I know I know , my fault . For everything . For not being myself , flunking everything , and being so cold towards her .
Yes , my fault .& Im sorry alrightes . Maybe its just my coldness towards you , bt I seriously needed some time to myself . I wanna straighten out my thinking , I dont wanna be like this .
Cause everyone's placing high hopes on me , I just dont wanna let them down . And I already did .I just feel so helpless at times . I already tried , and so much for trying ..It rlly rlly hurts to knw how much my efforts actually paid off . Its just something in me already , and I cant get it off my mind though i really want to .
It hurts just thinking abt it . I dont wanna go on like this .
I know , I've seriously disappointed everyone , those who seriously helped me alot with those 3 subjects before the exams , and Im gonna disappoint my parents if whn I tell them how badly I've seriously done .
If i ever get the chance to do so .Yes , you're all telling me its ohkay and stuff when I could just sense the sound of disappointment in your voices quite easily . I seriously dont knw whats wrong with myself . And Im sorry I wasted so much of your time even explaining stuffs to me . I know , Im a real disappointment .
Thanks to those who sensed something wrong and tried to help .
I dont wanna continue facing this world with fake smiles behind tears no more .Everything just doesnt seem right .